you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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