Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
