4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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