haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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