I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
