She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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