I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
