Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want her autograph on my taint
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
