Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
