I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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