just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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