I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
