Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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