I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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