I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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