saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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