dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
