On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
