here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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