Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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