Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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