I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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