I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
