HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
