My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
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So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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