I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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