If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
