Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
