I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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