i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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