Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
