I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
