Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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