I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
