We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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