I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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