What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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