By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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