I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
