Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
