my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm always down for nudity.
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