I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
a search helicopter?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
