Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
