Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
