hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
