I accidentally had phone sex last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
