I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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