Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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