if i can run in heels then i can drive
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
is wine microwaveable?
why do cheetos always look like penises
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
