i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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