Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
