I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
