We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
