after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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