Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
