Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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